Forgiving & Forgetting

Lately, Iv'e been reading this amazing blog called Black Girl In The City. blackgirlinthecity.wordpress.com . Recently, she published a post called Karmic Lesson 1.1: Understand forgiveness. Here is an excerpt of what the gist of this post includes:

"I’ve learned a lot more about forgiveness. I used to say, “I will forgive but I won’t forget so you won’t do me again.” I’ve changed my position and really think now that the statement is false. If you don’t forget what someone has done, how can you really forgive them? What happens when people keep doing you and you build layers of memories that you refuse to let go of, thus keeping your guard.

I imagine it to be like something that grows harder and denser over time due to the layers added. That’s enough to weigh the strongest man down. So…how can you live and enjoy your life posted up behind some crusted nonsense of things you really need to forget so you can forgive? It’s time to free my damn self lol."

Reading that makes me realize that I am in a part of my life where I am very torn. All of my life I've been used and when I turned that part of me off, people were easily to say that I was mean and it was ways for me not to allow people to take advantage of me without being mean etc etc etc. At this point I feel like if I don't want to forgive you and I want to forget you, that is totally fine with me. Than that is an issue I need to deal with. But honestly, I am very tired of living by other people's standards. If I say I forgive you but I wont forget what you did, it just makes me more aware of what I will be willing to do for you or say to you or whatever the case may be that caused you to cross the line with me in the first place. I am a very giving and loving person but through my experiences in life, I have learned that just because you have the best intentions, don't mean that other people do. If someone shows you their true color except them for who they are. Now I will admit that I will completely cut people off if they hurt me and I do understand that people are not perfect and do make mistakes. But because of the way things tend to lay in my lap, people will continue to make mistakes with me on purpose sometimes. As far as relationships go, I definitely know that I have a habit of forgiving and not forgetting and in this case, it does mean I never forgave. 2 previous relationships come to mind and I know I haven't forgiven them simply because the way things unfolded. I was blatantly used. Nothing more and nothing less. I loved these 2 dearly and never meant anything to them. So honestly, I never forgave or forgot. Another example, I never forgave my dad for the BS he has put me through but very easily I forgot him. I don't necessarily believe that I am "build[ing] layers of memories that you refuse to let go of, thus keeping your guard." I let go of it all when I let go of the person or the situation. I do understand where BlackGirlInTheCity is coming from, but maybe I am just stubborn. What I do feel is that I am less willingly to meet new people and that I am constantly exing out people that I already know.


My biggest concern is that, things like this, such as forgive and forget, is this an attempt to appease your soul, make yourself feel better, or because in God's eyes, it's the right thing to do.

I fell in love today!

Lately I've found myself to be obsessed with town houses and condos. As I'm preparing to return home from school, I plan on moving out of the house. Now I am very aware of the fact that I will not be making 450,000 a year to pay for this baby, but hey it's ok to make long term goals right?









Something like this would be at least 1 million in NY. Ahh I just <3 my city!

DSquared

Yea, I know this collection is old but they are slowly becoming my new favorite designers.





Damn those Canadian!!!

Say What!?!

I love people who are not afraid to think out of the box and do their own thing. When people are not afraid to get their necks tattooed and not worried about what they think at a corporate job. I respect people who are true themselves like that and regardless if they are trying to be a rebel or not they definitely are to society and I admire these people because they have overcome the battle that I have been dealing with for so long. It's ok one day I will get the tattoos I want and not worry about rather I will find a job or not. I will say what I want to say and not worry about who it affects. I will do what I want to do because I am the one who governs myself and my success, not society. I will do all these things and still drive a cream phantom coupe because I should not be defined by my tattoos, the way I dress, rather I have the right degree or talk the talk. I market myself beside the superficial external things.

Anyway here is an example of a clothing line, that is not afraid to take risks and say what's on their mind. They are not worried about rather people will find it offensive, or sales. They are doing THEM!!! Gotta Love M.O.B. <3 and Hellz Bells for simply not giving a damn!





I won't try to explain. But let that marinate...
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Marinated?

Good!
more at karmaloop.com

Marc Jacobs Continues to make me thank God for the SUN

These are to die for and regardless if they fit my face or not, im ordering them online and hoping that big hair and a fresh unit will cover up the fact that they may be too big. =)

Parents are people too

I've been through a great deal of things since my last post and many of them have occurred over the past 2 weeks if I must say but one thing I really need to address is the fact that I have come to the realization that parents are people too. I say this because society makes these notions that parents are perfect, and they do no wrong, they are suppose to be your role models and provide you the manual for life.

My parents on the other hand have been the complete opposite of this ideal of what a family should be like. And for many years I didn't understand why my parents were so different from what I saw that parents were suppose to be like. When in actuality all parents are like this. They are not perfect. They are people just like you and I. They lie, pass judgment, make poor choices, their selfish, live through their children, sometime uninvolved, emotionally unstable, financially unstable, mentally unstable etc, etc, etc.


That being said. I have horrible parents. Horrible, horrible parents- (magnificent maternal grandparents might I add). I have never been a bad child. I was a honor roll student my whole entire life. I indulged myself in grades and prided myself in things such as science fairs, cheerleading and band. When the rest of my peers were out partying, having sex and becoming teen mothers and high school drop outs, I was busy with my nose stuck in a book or trying to select which ivy league school I could get into. I was your average LAME NERD and I was proud of it. In my eyes, any parent would be ecstatic to have me as a child, but not my parents. Oh no! My father has completely disconnected himself from my life and blames it on everyone else except for his self. That is one man who is selfish and lying comes so naturally to him, I wish he would have been a lawyer instead. My mother on the other hand is such an emotional wreck and the biggest walking hypocrite I have ever seen in my life.

I could on and on about how they never came to any of events as a child. How they competed to buy my love, the criticism, the name calling, the lies, the promises blah blah blah but I stand here to say that they are people, normal people who have made, are making and will continue to make mistakes and not be perfect people or perfect parents and that is totally acceptable. The blessing about my life is that I am one of those children who act out when their home is in disarray. You know the kind, who always want to blame their parents for them being a murderer, or a rapist or a prostitute.

I am accepting my parents for they are and learning from this experience so my child/children won't have to suffer. Your childhood is a very critical moment in everyone lives' that basically defines who you are, what you will become, your values, how you think and your morals. And many people will turn out to be just like their parents and continue the horrible parenting cycle. The thing that concerns me most and that so many people are being brought in to a world where their home is a horrible place to be and by that I mean people can live in harmony when they are having sex together but when a child is brought into this world they hate each other and it effects the child. Also, people believe that they can keep being selfish, irresponsible, and immature after they have a child and this cycle must stop. It is becoming way too prevalent in todays society and it is only going to get worse.

At the end of the day, it is one thing to say that hey I can accept my parents for the countless mistakes they made and though they will argue me to the grave that they made a stable and loving environment for me, I believe otherwise and I believe that they many things I encountered as a child, has an enormous correlation of the problems I face now in my present day life. As a baby, you really have to come out of the womb with an armor of God, because the very people who are suppose to protect you from the world, may be the very people you need to be protected from.

Back from Hiatus

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